Shani

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 15:32:01 GMT

HEY GUYS,

I MAY BE SLIGHTLY TIPSEY SO EXCUSE SPELLING AND gRAMMER PROBLEMS!I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY BUT ALCOHOL HAS REMEDIED THAT.MY PSYCHIATRIST SAYS THAT ALCOHOL CURES the sypomtoms of my issues but not the problem. That sucks! it should cure both. i hate my problems! Although my problems are stemmed from childhood, i wish they had stayed there. I still regret what i lost through my breakdown and i guess i always will in a way. i regret what i have missed out on, in so many ways. i try not to think about it or else i grieve,i guess that is the point. i should grieve now, infact i already should have, then that way it won't sneak up on me. but i can't it's too painful! i guess that was my problem then and it is now

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 05:28:59 GMT

HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt like updating because i haven't in a while. Also, i am passing the time untill i can go home and see everyone and then there will be many many huggles! Erin and Phill have returned from their journey, YAY! This time Erin is here for good! YAY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am so excited!

Also, i have scored a couple of job interviews next week. On Monday i am going for an administration traineeship, and on Tuesday i am being interviewed for a dental nurse position. I know that it is very likely that i won't get either, but i am still hopeful. It's very exciting!

Time is not passing fast enough! I'm gonna get me some coffee!

All my love and huggles to all! I am pretty sure i will be seeing most, if not all, of you tonight.

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 05:19:59 GMT

1. What time is it? 3:26pm
2. Name: Shani
3. Birthday: 19th of September
4. Parents names: Prue and Anthony (i think)
5. Single or taken?: taken
6. Zodiac sign: Virgo
7. Chinese zodiac (horse, pig, etc): Ox
8. Hair color: Brown
9. Eye color: Brown
10. Height: 5'9 or something like that
11. Shoe size: 11 or 12 in mens
13. Glasses or contacts?: nope
14. Braces?: Nope
15. Piercings/tattoo: nope
16. Birthplace: Melbourne
17. Current residence: Melbourne

**** HAVE YOU EVER...***
19. Gone skinny dipping?: yep
20. Been drunk?: hell yeah!
21. Gotten high?: Yep
22. Smoked a cigarette?: Yep
23. Skipped school?: Yep
24. Bungee jumped?: Nope
25. Kissed someone not related to you?: Yep
26. Kissed someone of the same sex not related to you? Yep
27. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yep
28. French kissed: Yep
29. TP-ed someone's house? Nope
30. Won something (contest, race, etc.)? yep
31. Asked someone out?: yep
33. Been in love? Yep
34. Been to a funeral?: nope
35. Used a lighter?: Yep
36. Been on stage?: Yep

*** FAVORITE... ***
37. Food: it changes, but at the moment pizza.
38. Ice cream flavor:? cookies and cream.
39. Drink: tea
40. School subject: i'm not at school... but when i was it would have to be Health and Human Development
41. TV show(s): it changes, at the moment stargate because i just watched an episode.
42. Breakfast cereal: it changes, but at the moment Just Right.
43. Flower: Roses most of the time, but sometimes gerberas
44. Number: i don't have a favourite number, but if i was to decide on one now it would be 3
46. Movie: again it changes, at the moment i would have to say the Care Bears movie
47. Candy: it changes...now, probably malteasers
48. Soda: i'm not the greatest fan of soda, but i guess i prefer lemony, but not lemonadey
49. Color: it changes quite frequently but usually neutral colours
50. Vacation spot: well, out of all the locations i have ever been, Venus Bay would have to win. (now i'm thinking about it, i want to go there, and i'm having cravings for pizza and malteasers!)
51. Sport to watch: at the moment; horse riding
52. Sport to play: horse riding, although it's not something that can be "played" as such, but you get the point
53. Band/musician: currently; Jet
54. Letter: i can't really say i have spent that much time studying the letters of the alphabet deciding which appeals to me most. So my answer is none
55. Fast food restaurant: currently; Domino's pizza
56. Cartoon character: i don't have one.
57. Holiday: Generally i think all holidays are over rated and consumer driven, but for the sake of this quiz i shall choose one......probably Valentines day
58. Name for a boy: currently; Oliver, closely followed by Francis.
59. Name for a girl: currently Raven, closely followed by Abbigale.

*** DO YOU PREFER... ***
60. Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate
61. To hang out with boys or girls? my people, which happen to consist of both males and females. Sometimes i have a preference but at the moment i am very lonely so i say anyone and everyone, no matter their gender, as long as they are nice to me
62. Summer or winter?: Summer
63. Long relationships or one night stands?: well, they really are so very different.
64. Scary movies or comedies?: currently; comedies.
65. Silver or gold?: Silver
66. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons.

***Things That Come To Mind***
67. Fried Chicken: a pet chook i used to have, i miss her (now i am sad)
68. Hedgehog: echidna
69. Math: numbers
70. Grass: earth
71. Cow: grass
72. Sport: men
73. Mouse: my little rat friend
74. Hands: wrinkles

*** IN THE PAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU... ***
75. Watched a movie?: yes
76. Talked on the phone: yes
77. Cried: yes
78. Threw up?: No
79. Drank a glass of water: i drank some water but not a whole glass.
80. Gone to the bathroom?: Yep (if I hadn't in the past 24hrs I'd be a little concerned)- right on Kirdy
81. Read a book/magazine: i read some of a book.
82. Watched TV: Yeah
83. Looked in the mirror?: Yeah
84. Taken a shower?: Yeah
85. Taken a picture?: Nope
86. Listened to music?: nope

*** DO YOU BELIEVE IN... ***
90. Heaven?: not as it is portrayed, but perhaps in some form.
91. Hell?: not as it is portrayed, but perhaps in some form.
92. Aliens?: i believe it's possible in fact quite probable.
93. Fun for the entire family?: excuse you?!?
94. Freedom of speech: hell yeah
95. Love: i believe love exists as much as any other human emotion or feeling
96. Magic: i don't know. I believe that if i had a hat i couldn't pull a rabbit from it, but i'm willing to try.

*** SOME RANDOM STUFF ***
97. Last movie you saw in theatres? Phantom of the opera
98. Are you listening to music right now?: No
99. What color shirt are you wearing?: green
100. Do you like your middle name?: i'm sure i would if i had one, unless it was bad and then i wouldn't, unless i have bad taste, which is likely. Then other people would think it's bad and i might think it's good. So, if i had a middle name that i liked i would answer yes to this question, however, i am middle-name-less.
101. What is the best thing since sliced bread?: well, i'm not actually sure when sliced bread was invented, so i don't know what has been invented since, but i would say sanitary napkins and pain killers.
103. Are you going to send this to anyone?: No, because i don't know how.
104. Do you like school? again, i'm not at school. i didn't like most of my schooling life, but my last school was great.
105. What time is it now?: 4:19pm

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 02:52:23 GMT

hey, you know when you read the 'friends' page and people do surveys and other people have done the same one, how does that work? how do i do a survey that someone posted? If anyone could help me that would be great. i am bored, no one is on msn and i want something to occupy my mind.

love and huggles

MDFKFFHFUERYIWEUOSPORTJKHF;OAIEURGJAGJBGKJHKGNKLSKDJFOITUMNV45879DSFKN

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 03:21:14 GMT

So the scum whore known as Christmas is approaching and i haven't started shopping, how crap! Although i don't agree with Christmas i still feel obligated to purchase presents for the people i am seeing on the day, thankfully that does not include family. That is the blood kind of family.

I am at work at the moment and i was rather tired before so i decided to replace tea with coffee. I may start spurting caffine from my nose. At least i'm not tired anymore, however, Jess and Phill i must warn you that i may be slightly hyper when i get home.

I am in a ranty mood and i have already ranted at Erin, now there is nothing to rant about.

I'm going to get more coffee.

Love and Huggles for all

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 12:17:54 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSE BUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ramble

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 04:04:50 GMT

Hey party people,
Nothing much is going on in my world. My plan to cut back on drinking kind of died after roughly a week. I'm at Phill's at the moment looking after his grandmother. She's a lovely person.

As far as my depression is concerned, i am not so good, infact i think i'm getting worse. For a while i didn't often think about suicide and i didn't hurt myself for weeks, but not anymore. I spoke to my psychiatrist about it and how there was no trigger; things just got bad again. She says it's part of the whole PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.)

The thing i don't get is how i am meant to improve. If the PTSD is stopping me from getting better, then it makes sense that i would have to get rid of that first, the question is how? What happened happened and there is nothing i can do to change that, it will be with me for as long as i am alive. I can't change it and i can't hide from it. It's always there, they are always there. Everytime i sleep, everytime i'm awake, everytime i close my eyes, everytime i speak. They will never leave me.

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 13:25:02 GMT

Hello Munchkins,
GUESS WHAT?!? This is my first night without drinking in........quite a while! My psychiatrist has put me on tranquilizers in order to stop the whole alcohol addiction. Thing is, i was convinced i wasn't addicted until about 9:00 this evening (the time i would usually be drinking) when i began shaking uncontrollably. Things have settled enough now, but typing is becoming difficult so i'm going to go.
Love you all.

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 15:42:27 GMT

hey, i am trashed. i am glad that the thing tromooe night i s here and not else werer beause i do not enjoy leaving the house. not i the slightest. i am very trashed and devious. lov eyou all.
shani

WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS REAL IN LIFE

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 16:53:13 GMT

HELLO MY BEAUTIFUL MUNCHKINS,
HOW ARE YOU ALL?
I AM OK. PSYCHIATRY HAS BEEN GOOOD BUT PAINFUL. I AM DRUNK.......AGAIN.
GONNA GO.

LOVE YOU ALL ;)

sHANI

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 14:19:37 GMT

hey,
i guess you all know that my Lara is dead. i found her earlier. i miss her terribly, but i believe what Erin said about where she is now. i have cried so much today - but i think more tears are yet to come. i am trying to be brave for everyone's benefit, but it is so hard. losing an animal is the hardest thing. it hurts that i will never see her again. i wish i could have been there for her passing, but she died alone - for that i will never forgive myself. She was there for me for years and i wish i could have been there for her when she really needed me.

i can't write anymore.

love you all,

Shani

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 16:36:58 GMT

LOOK, I HAVE AN ICON THINGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT'S CARE BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! COURT MADE IT FOR ME! ISN'T HE AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO ALL THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND - NEGATIVE. THOUGHT I WOULD BE RELIEVED BUT NO

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 13:37:43 GMT

HI,
I AM DRUNK, HOW ARE YOU? I HAD A COUPLE OF GOOD DAYS............HOWEVER THEY HAVE DIED A LOT.

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 10:04:41 GMT

hello people. i thought that i should update because i haven't in a long time. i am ok. at the moment i am actually in a really bouncy mood which is rare. I can't remember the last time i have been in this sort of mood, it's a welcomed change. Perhaps, by some miracle my anti depressants are working! i won't get my hopes up though, one good mood in some months is nothing to be to pleased about. oh well, i can dream!

i can't think of anything else to say, so i'll go now.

All my love and best wishes, Shani

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 03:38:16 GMT

my family have stooped to a whole new level of crap.....

Taisen felt the need to inform me last night that he had heard i tried to "off myself" and he is disappointed that i am such a loser i can't even succeed at that. This is something i didn't need to hear.

My father basically told me that i am a failure for dropping school and i will get nowhere in life.

Deon is continueing to ignore me.

Also, Anton (who is supposed to be the good brother) can't figure out why i am upset.

this all happened last night and this morning. i guess when an entire family turns on someone you have to wonder why. Am i really such a terrible person that none of them can stand me? i feel like shit. i didn't realise i could feel this low, i have reached a whole new level of low which i didn't know existed.

i'll be fine though, don't worry.

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 12:14:47 GMT

shani is drunk again, as though that is a great surprise! i am always drunk, except when i am sober- during the day and that is a bad thing. i hate being sober. drunkenness is my escape and it works well, although now i find that i crave alcohol - if i go for a night without it i find that i crave it, so my plan is to be drunk forever!

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 06:16:51 GMT

My mother is a bitch. She felt the need to inform me that the reason things are bad with deon is because of me. I am a bad person and i have hurt everyone. I should just get over my depression and myself and wake up to the fact that i am crap. She also said that my friends don't care about me, they just want to hurt me.

Maybe i am a bad person and crap as well. I feel like shit. I cried while i was talking to mum and she still didn't let up. Maybe she's right about me being such a terrible person.

Also, Kirdy the puter wouldn't let me comment on your post, so......... why are you leaving me and where are you going?

I should go and convince myself not to kill myself.

drunkenness

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 13:30:24 GMT

i am only wearing a towel, except that the towel fell off and now i'm not wearing anything!!!!

GUYS ARE CRAP

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 12:11:11 GMT

my family are so fucking crap! i told deon this and explained why and you know what he did? got his bitch to abuse me, then tell me to grow up.what the fuck is his problem? want to know something though, it took 18 years but i have finally realised that my problem is that i give them too much credit. as crap as i am, they don't deserve me, i am too good for them and they don't appreciate me enough. so they can all fucking piss off! i want nothing more to do with any of them. I will be moving my stuff from home soon and that's the end of that. who needs family anyway when they're as crap as mine.

my dad called me bofore and told me that he wanted to save me and i was thinking "i have needed you so many times through out my life and you choose now to 'save me', thanks but no thanks!"

GUYS ARE SO FUCKING CRAP THEY ARE WORTH NOTHING!!!!!!!!

BUBBLES

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 14:19:47 GMT

I AM SO TTAHSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Y;OU HAVE NO ISEA!!!!!!!!! THERE WERE SO MANY BUBBLES IN THE BATH I COULDN'T SEE OVER THEM TO TALK TO TONY!!!!!!!!!11 QUWSTIONS WUECTIONS HEY????????????!!!!!!!!!!!????????? WOULDN'Y YOU LIKE TO KNOW EXPEPT THAT NOTHING HA[[ENED........UNFORTUNATELY!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!11 BUT THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG!!!!!!11 BUBBLES !!!!!!!!!!!BUBBLES

GET FUCKED

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 05:59:46 GMT

Jess is getting her hair cut at the moment. it's very short. ok, so what's going on in my world? i'm meant to be going somewhere with Erin and Kirsty tonight but i don't really feel up to it. i'm really tired and kind of anti social. I just want to stay at home (jess' house) and cease to exist. Erin was being really pushy about me going out tonight though, that kind of bugged me. If i don't want to do something then i'm not going to fucking do it. I am so sick of people thinking they can walk all over me, it has been this way my entire fucking life but no more! THE WHOLE WORLD CAN GET FUCKED!!!!!!

Thu, 20 May 2004 08:33:17 GMT

hello people. I'm ok. Sorry my last thingy was so depressing and crap. Things for me are ok. I guess they have been better, but nothing is bad. I am with Tony again as you all know. I'm happy about that. It's nice to have someone there, I guess it's kind of comforting. I know I'm not thinking clearly at the moment so I probably shouldn't be entering a relationship, but it works for now so it's good. I know I probably sound really heartless and selfish. It feels right anyway so I'm just going with that.

In other areas of my life things are ok. I'm not really coping with school. I keep having anxiety problems but I seem to be hiding them better than what I was to begin with. So I guess that's a positive. I guess my greatest problem with the whole depression thing is actually wanting to get better. At the moment i would rather not. I know I'm probably not much fun to be around and for that reason i want to improve, but that's the only reason. I don't care anymore. The depression is part of who i am. I don't want to change that and i don't care if this is who i am forever. Sometimes i don't want to take my medication, it seems to be messing with my head and that's about all it does.

I feel like the biggest loser or something. I mean who can't handle a day of school? I haven't even had a full day yet and I'm already not dealing. how pathetic! However, for all my anxiety attacks and stress isssues i can't seem to worry about the exams. I find that strange. something else that is strange is that i still want to kill myself. I know it's stupid, but i do, i want to die.

Anyway, I have had my rant about meaningless shit so i'll leave you now. You don't need to worry about me. I'm not going to do anything stupid, I seem to be able to make it through each day telling myself not to die, so i'll be fine.

love, Shani

drunkenness

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 15:27:35 GMT

so.....I'm drunk!!!!!!!!! I was crying before because the world is crap and I just want to leave and forget it all. I was packing and preparing to leave when I decided to call Jess because I thought it would be appreciated rather than me just leaving. Then i came round, chatted, and now I'm trashed and I WANT MUNCHIES!!!!!!! Also, for Kirsty, the girly talk from me is that I would like to be with Tony very much if he would display some sort of emotion once in a while. Jesso is going to whisper a quiet word into David's ear about that. hopefully all will turn out ok.

I am really quite surprised that I can type at all considering I am trashed.

You know what I want? To be someones someone. You know? For one person in all the world to think that i am someone special, worth something. You know? Perhaps i will never find that, I don't know. I feel like that is what I'm searching for, someone to make it all worthwhile. The question is: how do you know when you've found it? What if you dismiss 'the one' because it's the wrong time in your life? Also, is there such thing as 'the one' at all? Who knows? Maybe we're all searching for something that doesn't exist, or perhaps that's just me. Oh well! I have spent to much time crying, I will be happy now.

I love you all. You all mean the world to me and if i didn't have your support and love i would have no strength at all. I would wither up and die. You are my sunshine and power.It is because of you that i am who i am, all i hope is that i mean something to you. You give me the ability to shine!

I have to go, I love you, miss you, I won't leave you.

All my love, Shani.